I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
