she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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