whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
