We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
