everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
