I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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