You're my little dorito
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
