I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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