I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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