I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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