Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
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I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..