Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
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I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
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Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize