My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.