I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
