I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
