worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
