I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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