I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
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The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
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Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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