Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
