Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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