Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
