my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
