My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
