if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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