I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
