i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
