Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
