oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
