rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize