the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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