His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i think i have two assholes
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
