we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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