have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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