you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
