you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
