So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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