im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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