so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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