i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
