we have pet lesbian snakes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
