I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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