I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
