My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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