Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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