I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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