It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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