Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
