My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
