apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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