Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
