I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
