My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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