I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
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I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
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SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize