I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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