She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
