there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
ttyl tear gas
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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