wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
